How To Get Over A Divorce After A Long Marriage Ends
A divorce is a difficult process to go through both legally and emotionally, even if you were the one who ended the relationship. Most people haven’t a clue how to get over a divorce after a long marriage ends. The reason is that you probably haven’t been here before and it’s all new to you. That’s made even more difficult if it was a long marriage because even though your romantic relationship may have fizzled out quite a while ago, the end of a marriage means leaving behind a comfort zone that you used to have.
I have personal experience with this issue. I was married for 22 years and it ended in divorce. Even though it was a difficult experience to go through, I’ve found that you can get through it as long as you follow a couple of sensible guidelines. Some of the tips I’ve listed below come from my own personal experience. They worked for me and I’m sure they will also help you.
Common Reasons For Divorce
Divorce rates in the U.S. tell us that approximately 42% of first marriages end in divorce. Here are some of the most common reasons for divorce:
- Lack Of Communication: For two people to share a life together, they have to share a similar dream of the future. They also have to talk about what they need from their partner. None of us are mindreaders! When we don’t talk about those things, we misunderstand each other and we can start to resent our partner. This ends up with a belief that you’re just not right for each other.
- Cheating: Romantic relationships are built on trust. Cheating erodes that trust and it may be impossible to ever get it back. Most people regard cheating as a relationship-ending issue.
- Money Problems: If one partner is spending money that, as a couple, you haven’t really got, that’ll definitely cause arguments. It is normal for most relationships to go through a period of financial hardship. Typically this happens in the early part of the relationship when there’s a mortgage to pay, furniture to buy, bills to pay and the family finances are pretty tight. This can be quite difficult because your focus is more on money (or the lack of it) rather than on each other.
- Lack Of Intimacy: Intimacy is not just about sex. We’re also talking about touching, kissing, holding hands in public, etc. When your former spouse doesn’t give you that intimacy that you expect, it can feel like a rejection and can cause you to question why you’re bothering to be part of a couple.
- Growing Apart: The simple truth is that we are all changing constantly throughout our lives. In order to have a successful long-term marriage, you’ve got to be growing in the same direction. The problem for many couples is that they grow in opposite directions and end up at a stage where they begin to think they have nothing in common anymore.
- Frequent Arguments: I picked up on the following piece of wisdom many years ago – if you want your marriage to stay alive, never use the phrases “you never….” or “you always….”. Sentences that begin with these words are normally found during arguments. All they serve to do is to make the argument worse. Having constant conflict is a great way to precipitate the end of the relationship.
- Abuse: Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse has no place in a marriage. Creating an atmosphere of fear will make most spouses head for the door. Trying to control your partner may succeed in the short term but in the long run, most partners will recognize that their own needs are not being met and they’ll leave (as they should).
Self-Hypnosis Audio For Relationship Breakups
Self-hypnosis can be a great tool to help you start healing the hurt you feel and learn to be calm and strong again.
Will I Ever Be Happy Again After Divorce?
In my own personal experience, and from listening to other people’s stories of how they got through a divorce, I reckon you will be happy again if you decide you’re going to be. The massive change to your daily life plus the effect of the legal process on your emotions can make it feel like the tough times in the aftermath of your breakup with never be over. Remember a marriage is not only a romantic promise but also a legal agreement and the dissolution of that agreement can involve complex issues. The period of time it takes to resolve these issues may stretch to a couple of years.
During this period of time, it can be easy to get a bit overwhelmed by it and believe it’ll never be over and you’ll never be happy again. I think it’s always helpful to have a dream about the future where you are really happy, doing whatever you would like to do and being with whoever you’d like to be with. We always have to have light at the end of the tunnel, or otherwise, we can be in danger of slipping into resentment and negativity, or even full-blown depression.
How Long Does It Take To Get Over A Divorce After A Long Marriage?
There is no hard and fast answer to this. For some people who were very emotionally invested in the marriage and very hurt by what happened to cause the breakup, it can take a lot of time for the healing process to happen. For others, even though there may have been years of marriage involved, they can move on within months. I think it is always helpful to keep telling yourself that the pain is temporary and it will pass. If you have good, non-judgemental emotional support, this can be a great help.
Self-Hypnosis Audio For Relationship Breakups
Self-hypnosis can be a great tool to help you start healing the hurt you feel and learn to be calm and strong again.
Is There A Support Group For Painful Breakups?
Sometimes you may not want to talk to close relatives or friends about your divorce, especially if they are happily married. We all like it when people share our experiences. There is a certain comfort in knowing that other people either have gone through or are going through the same thing. Do a Google search for groups like that in your locality or maybe check out the Divorce Care website and decide if it’s for you.
You’ll also find groups on social media. There are quite a number of Facebook groups on the topic of breakups or divorce.
Top 10 Tips About How To Get Over A Divorce After A Long Marriage
Some of the emotions that I felt after my divorce took me by surprise. I was at peace with the idea of getting divorced. I actually wanted a divorce. Yet, the massive change filled me with uncertainty about the future and a sense of loss. Let me explain this properly! It’s not that I wanted my ex-wife back. That’s not it at all. I think it was that there was a massive hole in my life where my marriage had been. We all like familiarity and it felt as though that had been yanked out from under me, if that makes sense.
From navigating through that difficult time, I learned some things from my own experience that I would like to share with you. Here are my Top Ten Tips About How To Get Over A Divorce After A Long Marriage:
- Allow The Grief: We may or may not be grieving for the loss of our partner. One thing is sure though, we definitely grieve for the familiarity of our past relationship. We wonder if we’ll ever meet our partner’s family members ever again. We grieve for mutual friends, all of the places we used to go, and things we used to do. When you add up all of that, it is quite a significant hole that’s been punched in your life. It is ok to allow yourself to grieve for that. I would even say, it’s vital to allow that grieving process to happen.
- Support System: You need to have people who support you during this hard time. If those people try to tell you what you should do, they are not being supportive. The best form of support is to just allow you to talk about your own thoughts and painful emotions without needing to come up with a suggestion as to what you should do. As the old saying goes “It’s OK not to be OK”.
- Social Support: You do need to socialize every so often. You can’t shut yourself away from the world. That’ll just make you feel worse in the longer term. However, socializing in a place where there are lots of couples may just rub salt in the wounds. When you are out and about in a social environment, a singles environment would probably be better.
- Your New Identity: Being part of a married couple gradually seeps into your identity and who you are. You have been described as “John Doe’s wife” or “Jane Doe’s husband” for a good many years. During this time, you have lost a certain amount of your own identity. Now is a great time to question who you are. What are you into? What are your passions? What are your likes and dislikes? What are your hopes and dreams for the future?
- Physical Health: Get active. Go to the gym. Or go for a brisk walk every day. It’s up to you but start getting regular exercise. Routine is good for our mental health and making self-care activities a regular habit proves to us that we are worth taking care of.
- Mental Health: Do not forget about your mental health. You have taken a big blow. Your whole life has been turned upside down. Take some time every day to either do some form of meditation or maybe listen to a self-hypnosis recording such as “Get Over A Relationship Breakup“.
- New Friends: Realize you have to make new friends. You are now part of the single gang, so maybe get yourself a single friend if you don’t already have one. You probably now have lots of free time. You need to be able to call someone up and ask them to take part in an activity with you. Remember married people are likely to be unavailable, so, rather than sitting at home alone and feeling lonely, a new friend could be a great outlet.
- New Relationship: Maybe you’re not ready yet, but there will come a time when you are ready to have a new relationship. It’s never too early to start figuring out who that person is. What age are they? What job do they have? What are they into? In order to make a better choice of partner the next time, it can be helpful to do some self-awareness and ask yourself what was it about your ex that led to that breakup. Was it that you turned a blind eye to some of their traits that ended up irritating you as the years went by? If so, make note of what you would do differently the next time.
- Self-Help Books: There are some great books out there that can help you get the life that you want and get over some of the horrible emotions and mental health issues that a divorce may cause.
- Love Yourself: If you played some part in the breakup, it can be common to self-blame or self-criticize. Honestly, don’t do that! It’s just creating an even bigger problem. Realize that all we ever do in life is we try to do our best in every situation we’re in. Right now, just imagine you are putting an arm around yourself and saying “You’ll be ok!”. Forgive yourself for whatever you have done or said, and you will feel happier quickly.
Self-Hypnosis Audio For Relationship Breakups
Self-hypnosis can be a great tool to help you start healing the hurt you feel and learn to be calm and strong again.
Sharon's Story Of Hope
Sharon got married about ten years ago. Very quickly, she and her husband had a baby son. Two years later, a daughter came along. Because there were two kids, Sharon had to stay at home to mind them as they couldn’t afford childcare. That meant there was only one wage coming in. Things were tight financially. Their daughter had colic for two years which pretty much killed their sex life. There were more arguments about money. Less intimacy led to a distance forming between them.
Then the arguments got worse, especially when Sharon’s husband got drunk. The alcohol took the lid off of his frustration and he called her some pretty disgusting names. There was even some physical violence at times. Eventually, they split up. It was a very acrimonious breakup. There was lots of shouting down the phone and regular disagreements over access to the kids. Sharon described her divorce proceeding as a war zone. She really didn’t know how to get over a divorce after a long marriage.
Eventually, she went out one night with some friends and met a really attractive guy. He seemed really interested and stuck around even after she told him she had two kids. They began a new life together. I met Sharon around this time and she said that while she was in the eye of the storm, and those divorce proceedings were ongoing, she honestly thought she would never be happy again. Then she laughed and said that her new guy was the best thing that had ever happened to her and that it was worth it all just to have met him.
Should I Get Professional Help?
Sharon’s story is relatively common. While we are right in the middle of a divorce, it can seem like there is nothing but blackness at the end of the tunnel. A couple of years on, most people would say that their lives had definitely changed for the better. The most important thing is not to lose hope. Things will get better. If you are really struggling to get beyond those emotional experiences and feeling really low, it might be a very good idea to find a therapist to talk to. Booking an appointment with a therapist could kickstart that positive change you’ve been hoping for.
Self-Hypnosis Audio For Relationship Breakups
Self-hypnosis can be a great tool to help you start healing the hurt you feel and learn to be calm and strong again.
Can Hypnosis Help Me Get Over My Breakup?
Break ups are hard. That’s why it is a great idea to download my self-hypnosis recording called “Get Over A Relationship Breakup“. Listen every day for thirty days and it will change your life! You’ll learn how to get over a divorce after a long marriage. There are suggestions for letting go of negative emotions, forming a good vision of the future where you see yourself being happy again and learning to be easy on yourself during the healing process.
Author: Paul Hunter
Although thousands of people read his blog every month, Paul's path to success was not an easy one. Click here to read his amazing story "From Unwanted Baby And Adopted To A Respected Self Help Blogger". If you want to send Paul a quick message, then visit his contact page here
